It’s been almost two months now since I found out I lost you. I’ve come a lot closer to moving on but I still think about the fact that I’ll never get to meet you. I’ll never get to know if you were going to be a boy or a girl, I’ll never get to see what color your eyes would’ve been and I’ll never get to hear your laugh.
To be honest I’m afraid to move on because I’m afraid to forget you. I feel guilty that I have to live this life without you because even though people say it’s not my fault I still think of different choices I could’ve made that might have changed everything.
I wasn’t suppose to get my hopes up from the start, but how could I not? Ever since your older brother was born I questioned my ability of motherhood. But once I got to a point where I felt good about how I was raising Aaron I still wasn’t sure we were ever meant to have more. I wanted more of you but I was afraid I couldn’t handle it.
Then without even trying we found out about you and I couldn’t help but to wonder maybe this was a sign from God. Maybe He finally thought we were ready for another baby and I didn’t have to question whether or not the timing was right.
I only knew about you for two weeks before I fount out I lost you. In that time my mind wandered to all these places that gave your life so much meaning before it even started. Since then I’ve tried to forget those things because God wanted you in Heaven and if I held on to those thoughts I couldn’t help but feel mad at God for making that decision.
You would expect me to feel devastated when I first heard the news, which I was, but mostly I was confused. I prayed that God would protect you but He didn’t, at least not in my eyes at the time. I really can’t get passed the point of why this happened but I know today that God did what was best and maybe in the end He was protecting you in a way that I’ll probably never see.
If I keep trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and find answers to it all I’m going to suffer even more. So I will leave you with this.
Me and your father loved you very much and we’re so excited to meet you and your older brother would have loved you too. He doesn’t know about you yet but one day we’ll tell him that you’ve been in heaven.
This experience with you taught me not to be scared. At the end of the day I know you’re happy because you’re already a lot closer to God than I’ve ever been and he will take much better care of you there than I would have ever been able to here on earth.
Another thing I don’t have to be afraid of anymore is whether or not I’m ready for another kid because those two weeks you were with me you prepared me for that. I truly felt ready and I’m so thankful you pushed me to that point.
I don’t know when it’s going to happen but we will try to give you and Aaron a little brother or sister soon. They will know about you too one day.
In the end you brought mommy and daddy closer together through this experience and we really needed that. Thank you my sweet child for everything you taught me in the short time you were in my life.