It’s really weird how you can go through so much improvement and one day you finally start to feel like you could beat this thing all along and be a lot more happier the rest of your life, but only to realize a couple weeks later how easily you can get knocked back down on your feet and feel just as bad as you did months before when you decided you never wanted to feel that way again.
It seems so simple to just choose happiness every day, but what about the days where you get a flat tire and are stranded when you have a bunch of places you need to go that day. What about the days where you feel like an outsider in the family that brought you in to their own because your own family didn’t care very much. The days that loneliness feels like it’s surrounding you in every way and the pain you thought you got over from the past creeps back up on you.
How do you still choose happiness when there are so many other distractions around just bringing you down that day? It’s easy when something little pops up to just turn around and pray, but what if time after time you just start getting tired and wonder if God is still listening. I mean I thought He was listening to me and helping me until the depression creeps back up.
I just don’t understand why He continues to let me feel this way when He knows how much I hate it. When He knows how much I long to feel normal and to just simply choose to be happy like my husband does. How does he have it so easy while I’m here struggling and worried about bringing him down with me? Why can’t it just as easily be the other way around where my husband’s natural happiness rubs off on me?
It’s just so exhausting at times, and I want to pray it away again but sometimes I don’t even know what to pray for. I know God is listening and seeing what I’m going through and it’s embarrassing how poorly I’ve handled every obstacle that’s come my way this week. How can I swear and scream about things and then just turn around and pray about it? I feel like such a hypocrite
Maybe that’s the beauty of Christianity though. No matter how many times you disappoint God, He’s always going to be there. He will give you the time you need to recollect yourself until you’re ready to come back to Him.
Hopefully the next time you get to the point where you’ve finally prayed the pain away and it starts to come back, it won’t hurt as badly. Hopefully the next time I fall, it’ll be a lot easier to get back up.
Depression does not equal defeat, so don’t think that because you get caught back up in the vicious cycle that you’re ultimately stuck there. You’re not. Fight back, again and again. Deal with the issues that are making you feel this way and just keep choosing happiness.