It’s Not A Bad Life

It’s really weird how you can go through so much improvement and one day you finally start to feel like you could beat this thing all along and be a lot more happier the rest of your life, but only to realize a couple weeks later how easily you can get knocked back down on your feet and feel just as bad as you did months before when you decided you never wanted to feel that way again.

It seems so simple to just choose happiness every day, but what about the days where you get a flat tire and are stranded when you have a bunch of places you need to go that day. What about the days where you feel like an outsider in the family that brought you in to their own because your own family didn’t care very much. The days that loneliness feels like it’s surrounding you in every way and the pain you thought you got over from the past creeps back up on you.

How do you still choose happiness when there are so many other distractions around just bringing you down that day? It’s easy when something little pops up to just turn around and pray, but what if time after time you just start getting tired and wonder if God is still listening. I mean I thought He was listening to me and helping me until the depression creeps back up.

I just don’t understand why He continues to let me feel this way when He knows how much I hate it. When He knows how much I long to feel normal and to just simply choose to be happy like my husband does. How does he have it so easy while I’m here struggling and worried about bringing him down with me? Why can’t it just as easily be the other way around where my husband’s natural happiness rubs off on me?

It’s just so exhausting at times, and I want to pray it away again but sometimes I don’t even know what to pray for. I know God is listening and seeing what I’m going through and it’s embarrassing how poorly I’ve handled every obstacle that’s come my way this week. How can I swear and scream about things and then just turn around and pray about it? I feel like such a hypocrite

Maybe that’s the beauty of Christianity though. No matter how many times you disappoint God, He’s always going to be there. He will give you the time you need to recollect yourself until you’re ready to come back to Him.

Hopefully the next time you get to the point where you’ve finally prayed the pain away and it starts to come back, it won’t hurt as badly. Hopefully the next time I fall, it’ll be a lot easier to get back up.

Depression does not equal defeat, so don’t think that because you get caught back up in the vicious cycle that you’re ultimately stuck there. You’re not. Fight back, again and again. Deal with the issues that are making you feel this way and just keep choosing happiness.

 

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Loneliness

 

My loneliness is unhealthy. It causes me to want more than what I have or even need, and it causes me to compare myself to people non stop who do have what I do not.

I wish my closet was hanging with the kind of clothes I see all my old friends from school wearing in their instagram photos. How much easier it would be to get dressed in the morning and feel good about myself if I have more than just a couple of polo shirts and two pairs of jeans to choose from every day. And I could go on and on about how much easier my life would be if I had cute clothes, but at the end of the day I would still be lonely and find something else I might ‘need’ to make my life easier.

What would really make my life easier is if my husband didn’t work 6 days a week. Or even if he did work all those days, if he could just come home a little earlier in the day instead of right before I put the baby down for the night after a long day of chasing him around by myself, that would be nice. It’s still something I can’t change or have control over and that’s where I get trapped in all of my negative thoughts.

Just because I can’t change something or get what I want doesn’t mean that I have a bad life. Because if I take a step back and actually look at my life for what it is I see that I don’t even need nice clothes being a stay at home mom most of the time, shorts and a t-shirt are way more suitable for this phase of my life right now. I can also see that I have a loving husband who works a lot harder than most men his age. And even though he can’t be home with us as much as I want him to be, he tries his hardest to make the most of it and remind me that things won’t be this way forever.

 

I just want to find peace in this season of solitude in my life rather that let it make me feel lonely. Because I’m not actually alone at all. I’m surrounded by two people who love me more than anything and right outside of that we have my husband’s family who has taken me in as their own and love me more than I even deserve sometimes.

So from now on I am going to try my hardest to consume positive thoughts. I have a lot of work to do on myself and in my marriage and if I keep letting the negative consume me I’m not gonna get very much closer to where I want to be.

First, my life needs to be based more on God. When I get weak He can remind me that I don’t need a lot of clothes hanging in my closet to feel beautiful, being a loving wife and mother is beautiful in itself and a lot of people would love to be living this life I have. Being alone shouldn’t be scary because I will have more time to focus on my relationship with God and hopefully grow a lot more in Him than I have in years.

The funny thing is, this past year I’ve never stopped to wonder why God has put me in this ‘lonely’ state, I’ve just been begging Him to change it. I think one day He will change it, but right now this is where I need to be to grow my relationship with God that I have been continually putting on the back burner. I can’t wait to see how it turns me into the person God wants me to be.

What I Would Tell My Child In Heaven

It’s been almost two months now since I found out I lost you. I’ve come a lot closer to moving on but I still think about the fact that I’ll never get to meet you. I’ll never get to know if you were going to be a boy or a girl, I’ll never get to see what color your eyes would’ve been and I’ll never get to hear your laugh.

To be honest I’m afraid to move on because I’m afraid to forget you. I feel guilty that I have to live this life without you because even though people say it’s not my fault I still think of different choices I could’ve made that might have changed everything.

I wasn’t suppose to get my hopes up from the start, but how could I not? Ever since your older brother was born I questioned my ability of motherhood. But once I got to a point where I felt good about how I was raising Aaron I still wasn’t sure we were ever meant to have more. I wanted more of you but I was afraid I couldn’t handle it.

Then without even trying we found out about you and I couldn’t help but to wonder maybe this was a sign from God. Maybe He finally thought we were ready for another baby and I didn’t have to question whether or not the timing was right.

I only knew about you for two weeks before I fount out I lost you. In that time my mind wandered to all these places that gave your life so much meaning before it even started. Since then I’ve tried to forget those things because God wanted you in Heaven and if I held on to those thoughts I couldn’t help but feel mad at God for making that decision.

You would expect me to feel devastated when I first heard the news, which I was, but mostly I was confused. I prayed that God would protect you but He didn’t, at least not in my eyes at the time. I really can’t get passed the point of why this happened but I know today that God did what was best and maybe in the end He was protecting you in a way that I’ll probably never see.

If I keep trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and find answers to it all I’m going to suffer even more. So I will leave you with this.

Me and your father loved you very much and we’re so excited to meet you and your older brother would have loved you too. He doesn’t know about you yet but one day we’ll tell him that you’ve been in heaven.

This experience with you taught me not to be scared. At the end of the day I know you’re happy because you’re already a lot closer to God than I’ve ever been and he will take much better care of you there than I would have ever been able to here on earth.

Another thing I don’t have to be afraid of anymore is whether or not I’m ready for another kid because those two weeks you were with me you prepared me for that. I truly felt ready and I’m so thankful you pushed me to that point.

I don’t know when it’s going to happen but we will try to give you and Aaron a little brother or sister soon. They will know about you too one day.

In the end you brought mommy and daddy closer together through this experience and we really needed that. Thank you my sweet child for everything you taught me in the short time you were in my life.